Bristle’s “memoirs”: Round 1; Update

See link for Round 2 at the end of this post.

Bristle decided one day, with some help from mom, that she had experienced all the important stuff except for more money and babies, and had done much more than any other 20 year old ever had, so it was time to write her life story.  Sarah™ called the ghostwriter rental place and had them send over somebody to work with Bristle, then left to go progress her brand. When the ghostwriter showed up, Bristle invited her into the Beige Room for their first consultation.

Okay, Bristle, why don’t you tell me a little bit about this book you want to write and then we’ll do a little brainstorming to get the ideas flowing.

Well, um, you know, I’ve done lots of stuff, you know, in my life, and, um, so I’m going to write my memoirs, you know, about me, and stuff.

Your memoirs?

So… tell me a little about your life and how you might want to tell your story. I want to get a sense of  your “voice” and a feel for the sort of life you’ve led.

um…welllll, when we were little, lots of years ago, my brother, Traintrack, used to, um, pick on me. He locked me out of the house in my socks. He sucks. And, um, my little sister Peeper is a jerk. A total tattletail, I mean, like, AWFUL and sneaky and always takin’ my lipstick.

So, your relationships with your siblings should be an important part of your memoirs?

Oh, no way! They’re boring! I mean, come ON! They just, um, really really made it hard to do stuff, and, um, were always telling on me.

My memoirs should be about how I’m so famous and stuff and how the haters are jealous.

Because they aren’t famous dancers like me and they suck.

I’m a speaker, um, too, and I’m a Candies too, um, I mean, I’m their model, uh role model for babies, um, not having babies.

I can write about Tripper and how he’s such a great mistake and cute and the nannies are just because I work so hard and stuff and most single moms who, uh, work hard like me, um, well they have nannies too for even not as many babies, but, um, I can’t talk about Trail and True Grit, you know, because.

Because why?

Well, um, you know.

Okaaaayyy… no siblings, no Tarps, uh, Tweets, what you said. Why don’t we brainstorm a little? We’ll just toss out ideas and you list them on your computer.

Okay! How do you think of ideas?

Just think about the most memorable moments of your life and use one or two words to describe them.

Okay…um, um, boyfriends! I’ll put that down!

b-o-y-f-r-e-i-n-d-s. Okay, cool, got something down. I can give the middle finger to Levi.

Okay, boyfriends were important in your life. What else?

ummm… babies! Those kind of go with boyfriends though.

And, um, DWTS! Lots of haters to give the middle finger to.

And my chin!

Your chin?

Yes, I, um, oh wait, no, I can’t talk about that.

No, of course not.

Don’t I have a pretty chin and neck?


I, um, can’t think of anything else…oh, wait! I can talk about my mom’s show! I, uh, had to hit a fish and shoot stuff. It was really dumb. And some bitch put up a sign about my mom.

I can give her the middle finger.

This is really hard work.

Maybe you should spend some time working on your list and we can meet again to rough out some chapter ideas.

You mean keep trying to think stuff up?

This is way harder than mom said it would be! YOU were supposed to think stuff up and write it, not me! Bah!

My job is to put your memories and thoughts into words and make it sound like you wrote it. Come on, pick up the computer and let’s meet again.

Please. Let’s both think of how to approach your story and start over at our next meeting.

No, this sucks! Just because Peeper has been writing her memoirs instead of going to school doesn’t mean I have to do this. I want to do fun stuff and get a tan, not write stupid stuff.


Hasta la Vista, Baby!

They don’t pay me enough for this.

Bristle’s Memoirs, Round 2


13 responses to “Bristle’s “memoirs”: Round 1; Update

  1. I don’t know how you do it! You hit the nail on the head. Funny, Funny, Funny!

  2. Can I say that I love the expression on the ghost writer? Hilarious!

  3. Just as funny the second time around. Finding humor in this pathetic white trash family is much better than dwelling on how sad and stupid they really are.

  4. Found your blog link today on “Palin’s Q&A + fun” Just LOVE the look on the ghostie’s face. Priceless!

  5. Ghostie was heard mumbling ‘WTF’ as it left the room!!

    Hilarious!! Excellent!

  6. Brad Scharlott

    My favorite line:

    “Okay! How do you think of ideas?”

  7. Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel

    Great fun! How did you manage to plant that hidden microphone to capture the exchanges between the Ghost and Ms. Palin? The ghost’s expression probably is the same one worn by Lynn Vincent, also, too…

    • Sorry to be slow on the comment moderating. My newly formed marketing department is bringing in people faster than I can keep up. The marketing director stays up later than I do.

  8. I am completely amazed the Bristle-Barbie is identical to the doll in your story!

  9. astonishing and wonderful. kudos.

  10. Reblogged this on The Perils of Plastic and commented:

    I’ll post round 2 tomorrow, but there is a link at the end of this one if you can’t wait.

  11. I love the ‘ghost’ writer looking toward the camera. The dialog is perfect. Well done!

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