Monthly Archives: March 2011

Out of many comes one: Updated

My sister the shopper has been burying me in Barbies and Kens. I am now brainstorming crowd scenes in order to utilize the small plastic army I have gathered. Feeling a little overwhelmed and Gulliverish because I am now quite outnumbered by my own minions. But, in the midst of blondes and ballerinas, I found a gem. Yes, folks, I found RAM. I had just been in the process of trying to create a RAM out of materials around my house, with dubious results, when yet another box of dolls arrived from my sister’s shopping spree. It was a dozen Kens. Most of them average guys who can serve as extras or be converted to another Tawd doll. But amongst the crowd there was a loner, a gladiator, with a face only a mother could love. There was RAM staring up at me.

And now I’m going to torture you by not posting a picture yet.  I will start the conversion process today, after taking some “before” pictures, and then update this post later or tomorrow.

Before

After

Postcard from Israel

Hi Becky! Havin’ a great time, wish U were here! Here I am at the western wall.  Dinner tonite with the big guy. They’ll probably serve flippin’ falafel. Can you email Piper and make sure she cleaned the house and the studio? Thanks a bunch,  also too.

Sarah

Behind the scenes at Perils: Group Photo, Updated

Part of the batch of blondes my sister sent. Whoever owned them let their hair get very tangled. They are soaking in conditioner right now so that I can comb out the tangles.

It’s hard to get away from Barbies in my house.

Here is the gang, minus the ladies soaking their hair.

Hopefully I didn’t miss anybody.

An eclectic crowd.

I’m starting to get that herding cats feeling.

Look what my sister sent me: Updated yet again!

First she tried to find the perfect Ken, and when she got that, she then turned to batches of Barbies. This BatchOBarbies is very blonde, with some short people, and one dorky Ken with a five o’clock shadow. I’m thinking with all of the blondes I now have, I should do a Fox News Female Anchor School. Megyn can teach the students how to be an ignorant bitch, and Gretchen can teach the students how to act really stupid when you aren’t. And of course we know there is the lobotomy room, because, really, just how stupid can these people be with an intact brain? They MUST be missing some of it.

And hey, I’m thinking that the vaguely bearded guy would make a good Joe Miller.

Update: My sister sent me another Ken doll and another box of Barbies. Great selection, and a bunch of great clothes.

And yes, those are babies and children. Just what we need for the ever-growing Palin family.

And this guy is just too special for words.

“Hi….I’m hip.”

His shoes match his outfit. That’s scary.

And check out the redhead.

I guess I’m going to have to poll my vistors to decide which of my redheads should play Kathy Griffin. Stay tuned for a comparison post.

This is an unusual Barbie.

The outfit caught my sister’s eye because it is somewhat reminiscent of Sarah’s purple fuzzy thing. Also, if you combine Sarah’s red kimono Indian blouse with her purple thingy and that reddish fuzzy bathrobey thing she wore on her first book tour, you get the feel of this outfit.

Meet Conehead Sarah

We just can’t keep up with Sarah’s ever-changing hairdos. Lately, it looks like she fired Bristle and went back to Jessica. And she seems to be challenging Marge Simpson to a tall hair duel. In honor of Sarah’s latest hair-to-the-moon, I give you…Conehead Sarah!

A Bun’s Tale: Bristle’s Memoir, Round 2

After Bristle had a hissy and sent the first ghostwriter packing, the ghostwriter rental agency scrambled to find a suitable replacement. In the break room, the agency ghostwriters drew straws to see who would get stuck with Bristle. Hapless Baghead drew the short straw.

“Oh no,” thinks Hapless Baghead. “I’m going to end up in North Dakota like the last ghostwriter.”

“I hate cold winters.”

Desperate thoughts continue to bounce around Hapless Baghead’s brain as she is seated in the beige room. She asks Bristle to update her on her progress.

“So, how far along are you?”

“Four mo–um, I mean, I have some ideas.”

“Okaaaay…”

“How far along are you with your manuscript?”

“I have a title now, and some chapter stuff.”

Not Afraid of Life

“Kinda lame, huh?”

“To be afraid or not to be afraid! THAT is the question!”

“I need my own reality show. Mom is so lame compared to me.”

“Married, With Babies.”

“Me and Gino and the kids, makin’ money and dressing really awesome.”

“We will win an Oscar.”

“What are your chapter ideas? Maybe we can start there.”

“Well, they want me to talk about being a teenage slut and mom makin’ me hold Trig when I was a muffin top. That’s all like, uh, sucks and stuff, but I do want to nail that fucker Levi. I can’t believe he did Kathy Griffin. I mean, like, ewww, she’s old and stuff.

“You will have a chapter about Levi?”

“Oh totally! Maybe several! He’s such a douchebag. I mean, like, a total fag. I am so giving him the middle finger in the middle of my book. You know he actually thought I should use my magazine and dance money for Tripp? pffft! What an asshole.”

Ceiling Cat drops in. What? You didn’t think Ceiling Cat had a body?

The Furry Serpent considers eating the cast.

“Where were we…?”

“Yeah, Levi is a douche and mom will pull out Kathy Griffin’s hair.”

 

“I don’t think that Levi humper even has any babies.”

“I have babies.”

“Babies are what I do best.”

“Are you going to do a chapter about babies?” (Ceiling Cat is considering beaming to a better reality)

“What?…oh, well I’m going to do a chapter about hard workin’ single mom. Maybe two. I could use some quotes and stuff. Mom taught me that. Makes more pages.”

 

“What is the title about?”

“Ya know, I, um, asked them the same thing and they were like, all, well you chose life and stuff. Lame. Mom made me.”

“I mean, it’s cool when you have lots of money for nannies, cuz, um, people pay for you to talk for ten minutes and I get to fly around and stay in nice hotels. Fuckin’ love the hotels.”

“I’m gonna do at least 9 babies, cuz you have to have a lot for a reality show. That’s where the big money is you know. ”

“I’ll need a bigger house.”

“My dad and his buddies can build a fence around it.”

“Ya know? I don’t need the book right now. Buns are better than books.”

“Yeah, middle finger to the book.”

“You weren’t much help. Mom’s gonna be pissed.”

“I’ll tell the agency it’s your fault I had to give up on the book for now.”

“You know the way out. Keep your hands off my beige silverware.”

“Married, With Babies.”

“Gino’s gonna love it!”

“North Dakota…brrrrrrrr…”

“I should make mom write the stupid book. It was her idea. She can’t knit anyway.”

“Time for Facebook.”

 

“Yo, Gino! Let’s get pizza!”

“Wanna touch my bun?”

 

This is why I always need more dolls and clothes

Some photo shoots take a toll on my dolls and their clothes. I’m really hoping I can get the blood out of the beige skirt. Sarah Lobotocuda has lost her head more than once, so I’m not really worried about her. I’ve been asked if any of these dolls will return. My two newest Sarahs will return in their regular roles, because it is too damn hard to find replacements. The Zombonis will be put away for Halloween. The two other Tawds will most likely turn up as extras in future posts. The Babysitter is a regular extra. She will return in a variety of roles. And True Grit is my favorite baby. It’s not like the Palin women are going to stop breeding anytime soon.

So, what’s next? Well, I’ve got Bristle’s new ghostwriter waiting in the wings, so expect another round of Bristle’s Memoir soon. I’m mulling other ideas, such as a square-off between Sarah and Kathy Griffin.  The 47-year-old half-been against the 50-year-old “has-been” comedienne.  My redhead Barbie (my personal favorite) can be Kathy, and of course kick Sarah’s butt. But I will not abuse my redhead, so it may just be a battle of wits (yes, I know, witless Sarah doesn’t have a clue or a chance).

Anyway, see the battered Barbies below.