Monthly Archives: May 2011

Wendy Waitress gets stiffed

Wendy: Hello, and welcome to Eduardos! I’m Wendy and I’ll be your server today.

Wendy: In addition to the lunch menu your hostess left with you, we have two specials today. We have a seafood and mango ceviche served on a bed of butter lettuce, and a grilled sea bass with fruit salsa. Do you need more time to decide?

Anonymous Blonde: I’ll have the ceviche special, thank you. It sounds delicious.

Wendy: I think it is one of the chef’s best specials. He makes it a lot because people request it. I hope you enjoy it.

Sarah: Give me the nick-swah salad and another diet Dr. Pepper.

Wendy:  Very good. I’ll have your drink refill right out.

Wendy: Enjoy our lovely patio view while the chef prepares your meal.

Sarah: Snooty waitress.

Anonymous Blonde: The food sounds good.

Sarah: We’ll see.

Wendy: Here is your lunch. Is there anything else I can get you?

Anonymous Blonde: It looks great. I have everything I need, thanks.

Sarah: I’ll need another diet Dr. Pepper pretty soon.

Wendy:  I’ll bring another refill shortly. Enjoy your lunch, ladies.

Sarah: *eyeroll*

Sarah: This isn’t a nick-swah salad! Denny’s makes a one better. Where is that waitress?

Sarah: Waitress!

Wendy: Is something wrong with the salad?

Sarah: Yes, this is not a nick-swah salad. It’s some sort of hotty totty mess. Take it back. I’d like some chicken fingers instead. I assume your hotty totty chef can make lowly chicken fingers?

Wendy:  I’m sorry the nee-swahz salad isn’t to your liking. I will take it back and have the chef make you some chicken fingers.

Sarah: You’d think a fancy place like this could get a salad right.

Wendy: We do our best. I’ll have your drink refill right out and the chicken fingers shouldn’t take long.

Sarah: Tell the cook to throw on some french fries too.

Wendy: I will do that. Can I get you ladies anything else?

Sarah: No, just hurry up because I’m starving.

Sarah: That waitress is a snooty bitch.

Anonymous Blonde: Don’t you think you are being kind of hard on her?

Sarah: No! These people, there, here, all seem to have their noses in the air. I guess waiting on rich people makes you some kind of hotty totty servant.

Wendy: Here are your chicken fingers and fries, with another drink refill. I hope they are to your liking. Just let me know if they aren’t, or if you need anything else.

Sarah: Now the bitch is brown-nosing for a tip. Fat chance.

Sarah: These people have such a sense of entitlement also. I waitressed once, there, in Alaska, for a week, and flippin’ Piper could do it.

Sarah: I’ve had better chicken fingers at Denny’s. These look like they belong in some fancy schmancy Japanese restaurant. And it’s those lame fries with the peels on.

Sarah: A penny will steam her.

Anonymous Blonde:  I thought the ceviche was great.

Sarah: Well all I got was a snooty waitress and some crappy fries.

Sarah: Let’s get the hell out of this hotty totty dump.

Wendy: Hmmm…no surprise there.

Wendy: Such a charming woman. Not.

Wendy: If she comes here again somebody else can serve her.

Wendy: Oh nice! The other lady was much nicer.

Wendy: I’ll bet this lady doesn’t come here again with THAT woman.

Wendy: I’m glad that most of my customers are nice. I should tell somebody about Nick-swah Palin. She deserves to be outed.

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She let her mind wander but it didn’t come back

Sarah apparently forgot to pack something important when she flew to Arizona.  In response to rumors of Sarah’s mistake, Megamouth Stapletongue told a reporter at the ADN that “I don’t know where Sarah’s mind is; I don’t think anyone knows that.”

I did ask Tawd to check the plane. She might have left it there after they flew to Safari Lake for the weekend.

Tawd said that he didn’t think Sarah took her mind to Safari Lake.

I checked with Piper. She’s looking in all of her diaper bags.

The ADN reporter asked other residents if they had spotted Sarah’s mind.

Jessica Beehive, Sarah’s hairdresser in Wasilla, said that she thought Sarah asked her to give her mind a massage.

But she might have said, “do you mind giving me a massage.” Either way, Jessica checked her massage room, and Sarah’s mind is not there.

When Chuck Heath, Sarah’s dad, was asked if he’d seen Sarah’s mind, he said that he told young Sarah constantly during her childhood to stop leaving her mind just lying around gathering dust bunnies, but Sarah Palin has always been a rogue who doesn’t need a mind. Sally Heath said nothing and picked at a loose thread on her needlepoint sweater. Sarah’s sister piped up and said that maybe Sarah’s mind got lost at the airport and they ought to call that stupid airline.

The guy panhandling at the Sports Center said that he thought he saw Sarah’s mind run around the corner into the woods.

Piper Diaper: Glamour Babysitter

The last time we saw Piper, she had frosted hair and was wearing makeup. She also looked bored and sullen, so we all hoped she was headed home to live a quiet life and catch up on her education.  But after Bristle had “corrective surgery” and nabbed her own reality show, never mind that she already got to do DWTS, little Piper decided that education is a waste of time. The bright lights beckon. Piper has skills. Piper is hard working. Bristle has nothing on Piper. So Piper googled how to set up her own LLC. Then she had a bit of “corrective surgery” and got some hair extensions. Now, Piper Diapers, Inc. is the hottest babysitting service in Wasilla. And with all those teenagers trying to cash in on the famous preggers game, Piper has plenty of business.

Piper is part of the glam sitting set.

She prefers high-end clients.

She’s expecting her own reality show soon.

Perhaps some endorsements and motivational speaking.  Certainly a book in the near future.

Look out, world! Here comes Piper Diaper™!

Tire treads

Hello RAM.

Uh, you might want to turn around.

Uh oh.

Oh shit.

Seeing the light.

Too late.

The wheels on the bus go round and round
Round and round, round and round
The wheels on the bus go round and round
All through PalinTown.

That Bristle: Before the cameras arrive

Before the camera crew descends on the “house” to film the first episode of Bristle’s made-up life,  Bristle has a few loose ends to wrap up.

Oh, hey, Chris, sweetie! Glad you’re here early. Kyle is running late and, um, I’ve got a itsy bitsy favor to ask, um, you, pretty please?

Yeah, hey, Bristle! I’m not s’posed to be on camera til later, babe, so whatcha need?

Well, um, I kinda gave my nannies the day off to go to the grand opening of my L.A. All About Me spa, and, um, I kinda need somebody to drop the other kids off at the temporary day care I got. You can use my SUV.

Kyle said you have a couple of kids besides Trippers. I s’pose I can drop em off.

You’re a total dear! I, um, still need to get Dippy Trippy dressed, and, um, it’s hard work. After today, the other kids and one of the nannies will be heading back to Arizona. My sister Willow is in trouble again so she’s gonna stay in Maricopa for a while and babysit.

The other kids are in the playroom.

Through that door.

Okay, no prob, Bris. On my way.

Stop spilling the juice, little Hippo Trippo.

I’ll catch ya later!

K, thanks a bunch, Chris sweetie.

Dark in the playroom.

Gulp!

WTF!

Jeezuz on a cracker!

I thought you just had a couple of kids.

Well, um, I think I said a few.

That’s a frickin’ passel!

Well Tripper Nipper is the only one in the show contract, so, um, get those kids in the car.

They will wreck the set.

Okay, okay!

The big ones can help the little ones dress in the car.

Shoo!

Come on, kids.

Git along little doggies.

butts in gear.

Hurry, shoo! Go with Uncle Chris.

Clothes in the back seat of the SUV.

Gotcha.

Now, to practice my smile.

I’m so Bristle!

Okay, Poopy Troopy, let’s get ready for the cameras.

Stop looking like Levi. You know it bugs me.

First I’ll put my feet up.

Nipper Tripper, we’re gonna be rich and famous.

Stop biting my chin.

That Bristle: another teaser: Update

Just so you know that I’m working hard on the set instead of weeding my garden (which is what I should be doing), here is another teaser. The set is almost complete.  An alternate view set that I need for the photo shoot isn’t started yet, but I know how I will construct it. The main set just needs a few more details.

That Bristle: sneak preview

Diapers, Play-dates, Grifting,

That Bristle

Chest-thrusts, Candies, Lipo…

Is That Bristle

She’s Heavy on her feet

She’s everything a sow’s ear should be!

Babies, Black guys, drama,

That Bristle

Taupe shoes, Chin implants, Cheesecake,

Is That Bristle…

Update: These photos are to keep you happy while I work on my set for the reality show.  Creating an entire set takes me a while. I have to mull and experiment while I gather materials. I’m hoping to pull it all together in the next couple of days.