BristleTour: Barefoot and preggers in America’s heartland

Bristle kicks off her two-stop book tour at the Mall of America, AKA tomato central, in the great heartland of rill America. There she meets her most ardent fans, who traveled many minutes and stood in short lines so that they could get a signed copy of their role model’s memoirs.

To avoid the kind of attempted tomatoing that Bristle’s mom got at this mall, the book signing is being held in the back of the bookstore (too bad!) and patrons are being searched for squishy objects (I heard that the tomatoes that guy threw at Sarah were  hard. He apparently didn’t quite get the concept of tomato-throwing, and he was a lousy aim).

They aren’t exactly expecting a giant crowd for Bristle’s book signing. Luckily, some of the nuttier fans who came to mom’s signings (like that lady wearing the godawful t-shirt with Sarah’s giant face plastered on it) have apparently decided that they own enough Palin books.

Bristle arrives at the mall.

This is where rill Americans do their book shopping.

Hi everybody! It’s me, Bristle!

I’m famous!

I can dance!

Queen of the Mall!

Bristle’s fans eagerly await their signed copy of her book.

Bristle, Bristle! We want to be like you!

Girls, um, it’s not easy being me. I’ve had it rill hard.

Bristle, if it’s a girl I’m naming her after you!

Bristle, my baby-daddy won’t pose for pictures. What should I do?

Um, girls, those baby-daddies are such ass…um…gnats. Get your mom to threaten them.

Bristle, Bristle! Is it better to get married or stay a single teen mom?

(yikes! Who is that in line?)

Um…well…both is better, as long as somebody pays you. Just cancel stuff after you cash the check. My mom does it all the time.

Yup…um…girls, abstinence pays, um…as long as you do it after the baby. Um…at least while people are looking.

I’d better get to signing these books. Security must have the rest of my fans waiting somewhere else in the store.

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19 responses to “BristleTour: Barefoot and preggers in America’s heartland

  1. Ha Ha LOL

  2. lol! Poor little prop, er, kid.

  3. Just love your episodes and always look forward to them. They are so uplifting lol.

  4. you just pummeled my funny bone! ouch! hahaha

    The chin was to-scale and so damn funny. I just found you here.

    Have you done the “tent scene” yet —“Hey , have you seen my virginity anywhere? Oh no, I think I’ve lost my virginity?”

  5. I’m going to get her stupid “book” when it is in the remainder bin, run it over with the car and send it to Tripp when he’s a teen as a reminder to wear a condom.

  6. OH MY GOD! HAHAHAHAHA I cannot stop laughing! I am laughing so hard all of my dogs are barking.

    This is the most hysterical “montage” you have put together yet! I love your website and your sense of humor. I wish we could have it more publicized because it is just so funny and clever.

    I will try to send a tweet out about it at least. I hope some others will too.

    It is amazing what is going on at Immoral Minority blog today. Bristol and Sarah have gone too far and there is a revolt. Thanks for the laughter. I can’t get over the chin!! HAHAHAHAHA

  7. wafflestomper

    Wonderful! Thank you!! Smiling really big right now….

  8. am i limited to one tooth only?

  9. Brilliant . . . .

  10. Wonderfully done! I love love love it. My husband called while I was reading this and asked what I was doing. Yeah. Try to explain this website to someone out of the loop – that was fun! hehe

    • My husband said to me the other day, as I was setting up this photo shoot, “Honey, we need to find you something more normal to do.” I told him, “No, dear, we need to figure out how I can make money doing THIS.”

  11. I will pay you!

  12. Do the tent episode!!!
    Pleeeeeeease!!!

  13. Reblogged this on The Perils of Plastic and commented:

    Finishing up Bristle Day. Tomorrow we will be back to the Wasilla Wonderbra Wannabe.

  14. I did notice pregnant Piper Diper in the line! Fun-nie! In her babysitting dress. Really loving this series!

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