Jessica’s Last Strand: Piled High, You Betcha!

One person stands out as having helped Sarah pile up her several dubious successes. No, not Tawd! Sheesh. I’m talking about Jessica Beehive, the Queen of Bumpiteering, the scissors-wielding Wizardess of Wasilla. Yup, Jessica is behind that trademark rat’s nest on Sarah’s head. And now she’s getting her own reality show. Just what everybody needs. More made-up drama amidst snipped locks, body creams,  and piled tresses. And the Desperate Hicks of Wasilla are all atwitter about having their hair done at the Beehive. They KNOW the producers will pick them to star with Jessica, because, after all, Wasilla is not just the duct tape capitol of the world, but also the center of the made-up drama universe. The Palins have turned made-up drama into Wasilla’s leading export.

So, on a warm fall day, Jessica’s Beehive is buzzing with queen bees who want to look their best when the film crew arrives.

Buzz buzz!

Hannah “Heather” Hall:  Jessica, you are so thin now! How did you do it?

Jessica: Well, with the show and all, I just went with a program of lipo dissolve and tummy tuck.

Heather: Looks great! Everybody is doing it now. Lipo is the new situps.

Jessica: Yeah, Sarah started it and now we have to maintain our image. The spa and treatment place down the road is booked solid. You can’t even get in for a quick Botox.

Sandra: That’s why I’m here getting the cellulite cream massage.

Marta: I can’t decide whether to get a water bra or surgery. I guess I’ll try the bra first.

Susan: I had some lip work done to help with my Kardash look. Jessica touched up my hair and now I’m just waiting for Sandra’s cream to soak in before we head out to that new Italian place for lunch.

Daisy: I went for the Young Mercede look. Pre-skank. And had the special foot soak for touchable toes.

Susan: You nailed it, Daisy. lol. Pre-skank with touchable toes. That’s our Daisy.

Marta: You guys are cracking me up. Susan, your Kardash look is great. Jessica did a good dye job.

Susan: We need to work on your inner Drama Queen, Marta.  If you want to be in episodes you should totally trash my look.

Marta: I’m lame.

Susan: Yes, you are.

Daisy:  I can act innocent, with sensual undertones. I can trash people too.

Jessica: What do you think, Angie?

Angie:  Perfect! I have the biggest hair on the block.

Jessica: See ya, Angie!

Jessica: What are you thinking, Heather?

Daisy: You should try the foot soak. I could just suck my toes.

Susan:  We have to get over to that new restaurant and figure out our personalities for the show.

Sandra:  I’m starved. I think I want to be the smart but bitchy blonde.

Heather:  I say go with the Kardash, but with my usual makeup.

Jessica: Gotcha! You have the coloring to pull it off.

Daisy: I gotta get home and send more emails to Playboy. I’m way prettier than Mercede. And I know I’m gonna be a star on Jessica’s show, so I can put that on my resume.

Daisy: Bye all! I’m gonna be famous.

Jessica: There you go, Heather. Kardash with your own spin. Heatherdash. Just needs a bit of drying.

Heather:  Awesome, Jess! Do you think I should go for the glamorous but shy or the smart, hip, transplanted city girl?

Jessica:  Wow. Hmmm…. You could probably pull off either of those. Maybe try them both to see which one feels better. I lean toward the sassy city girl.

Sandra: I could eat an airplane. Let’s roll!

Susan: Gotta run, Jessica. Let us know as soon as the crew hits town.

Jessica: You betcha! Those Jersey skanks are old news. Alaska is the new reality frontier.

Jessica: Okay Marta, pick your poison. Not literally. Hairstyle-wise.

Marta:  Can you go really frickin’ sexy but crazy?  I want Jeff to drool.  Then he’ll mess it all up and I’ll have an excuse to come in when your film crew arrives.

Jessica:  Okay, crazy but sexy coming right up.

Jessica: I call it the Sex Kitten.

Annie:   I love it!

Annie:  Jeff is gonna swell.

Jessica:  Have a swell time, Annie. Time for me to take a load off.

Jessica: Ahh… time to relax.  Heather, your Heatherdash dried nicely. How was the cream soak,  Fawn?

Fawn:  Aww…Jess, you remembered my new stage name!

Jessica:  It’s outdoorsy, like you.

Fawn:  You think I’m outdoorsy? Like a farm girl?

Jessica:  No, not really, but it’s a cute name. Sexy girl next door. Just what the producers want.

Heather:  I’ve got to get to Anchorage before Nordstroms closes. Catch you later. I think smart city girl will work. I can make Fawn cry and then build up her self esteem by teaching her city girl tricks.

Fawn: I better put my shoes on and go too.

Fawn:  I’m gonna be a star.

Jessica:  I’m gonna need more product. Bye, Fawn.

Sarah:  Jessica, we need some work done. I just put your closed sign in the window. Piper, you sit like a cow.

Piper:  Cows don’t go to beauty salons.

Sarah:  Don’t be a smartass, Piper. You go first while I send some texts. Jessica, Piper needs a frost. 

Jessica:  How’s it goin’, Piper?

Piper:  Mom made me push that stupid bus.

Sarah:  You let that driver get us lost so it was only right that you should push us to the airport.

Piper:  Yeah whatever, Mom.  Jessica, can you make it look like I was actually outdoors this year?

Jessica:  Sure, hon. Sunny highlights coming right up.

Sarah:  Nobody answers flippin’ texts. Always excuses from these people.

Sarah:  …be harder to write texts without your flippin’ cojones, need to be tellin’ these people…WHERE the flip is Tawd?

Jessica:  The red highlights I gave you last time will still show through a little, but you should have some good blonde streaks.

Piper:  Cool. Do it quick before Mom changes her flippin’ mind.

Jessica:  Gotcha.

Sarah:  Are you about done? I still need my hair done and I have a Fox interview tonight.

Jessica:  Don’t let Willow mess with your hair after I do it. She’s really not very good at it. People keep blaming me for what they call dead animals on your head.  I’m not taking responsibility for a dead animal do.

Piper:  Forget flippin’ Willow. Look at my hair.

Piper:  I think it looks sophisticated.

Jessica:  I agree honey.

Piper:  You’re the best, Jess. Hey, how’d you get so skinny?

Sarah:  Yes, Jessica, tell Piper how you went from a 14 to a 6. Are you trying to upstage me?

Jessica:  Well, Sarah, you know how your show had you outside a lot in big coats and stuff.  But I’m inside and can’t wear much. I didn’t want to look fat. So I had the same procedure as you.

Sarah:  Piper, let this be a lesson. If you let yourself go, you will have to have work done before you are 20. Bristle let her fat ass get completely out of control until she was an embarrassment to me.

Jessica:  Are you ready for your Fox hairdo?

Sarah:  That hair grow stuff isn’t working.

Jessica:  I think you need to eat better.

Jessica:  But I think a frost and comb-back should work for tonight.

Piper:  I’m bored.

Jessica:  I’m almost done.

Jessica: Voilà!

Jessica:  The frost give an illusion of fullness.

Sarah:  Better. Don’t forget that this is covered by hairdresser/client privilege.

Piper:  My mother is insane.

Sarah:  I heard that, Piper. Don’t forget I haven’t made the botox appointment yet.

Sarah:  I expect more support from you, young lady.

Sarah:  Where the flip is Tawd?!

Sarah:  Did your father say where he was going this afternoon?

Piper:  No, Mom. Daddy doesn’t talk anymore.

Piper:  Can we go now?  You promised pizza before I have to run the teleprompter.

Sarah:  Okay, okay… I’ll kick Tawd’s ass when we get home.

Sarah:  The coffee kiosk is next to the pizza parlor. I need a skinny mocha. What a day.

Piper (under her breath):  You didn’t DO anything.

Jessica:  Bye bye!

Sarah:  Don’t forget the hair privacy clause, Jessica. Don’t want to have to involve the lawyers.

Sarah:  No lawyers and you get filming tax breaks. Works for everybody.

Jessica:  You didn’t hear it from me!

Piper:  eyeroll

Piper:  Mom, I want a boob job.

Sarah:  Just get a flippin’ water bra. I’m not paying for any more boob jobs in this family. 

Jessica (thought bubble):  Good thing I know where the bodies are buried.  Still, I think I’ll avoid dark alleys, small planes, and emergency stairwells.


15 responses to “Jessica’s Last Strand: Piled High, You Betcha!

  1. Wow, this was epic, thanks for posting!!

  2. Maybe 3 or 4 hours setting up the props and dolls. A lot of stuff was not in its proper place after Burning Man and previous posts. All those bottles had to be glued to surfaces. Dolls had to be chosen, dressed, needed matching shoes, and in some cases their hair washed. At least 2 hours of photographing. Another couple of hours going through the pictures, cropping, etc. And a couple of hours uploading and captioning. And then a couple of hours putting all the stuff away.

  3. Luckily, the captions begin to occur to me early in the process. By the time I’m done with all of the other stuff, the captions mostly pop out. I prefer not to overthink them, but to let them out as stream of consciousness.

  4. You are awesome!

  5. So funny! Thanks for the laughs! I’d love to see what you could do with a faked half-marathon run….

  6. By the way, some of you may notice that I did not make Jessica a “bad guy.” She basically gets a pass on some of her more reprehensible behavior (she was involved in one of the PBot email harassment campaigns, maybe the one with the judge) because she accidentally opened her big mouth about Sarah’s thinning hair when she was interviewed way back in 2008. It was such a great foot-in-mouth moment that I gave her a few credits in her plastic karma bank account.


  8. Ahhh! I always know where to come for a giggle when the weight of the world starts to overcome me. Thanks!

  9. This was so well done! Have you thought of turning your blog into an ebook?
    Love it.

  10. Good Gawd and Holy Cheezits…this is epic!

  11. Fabulous! Just tweeted out!


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