Monthly Archives: February 2012

Bristle is popular (and strong)(and hardworking): Update

Armed with a latte from her countertop cappuccino machine, Zippy Trippy still asleep in the early morning hours, Bristle sits down for her morning round of Bristle-browsing.

Wow! Over 300 comments!

Tappity tap tap tap…You don’t know Bristle. She’s strong and has a high school degree and a hardworking job at the dermatologist, making lattes…tappity tappity…

I’m way more popular than my mom.

Tap tap tap…You don’t know that strong family that goes to Applebee’s. They laugh at haters. FACT.

Mom is going to be jealous that I am popular.

The blogs love me.

Kim Kardashian is so lower 48.

My new reality show about me exploring Alaska on my lunch break from my hardworking job at the dermatologist is going to be a big hit.

Mom’s show was, like, so politics and whatnot, and makin’ everybody fish and shoot and whack stuff and all, so yesterday Survivor for old people…

I mean, jeez, enough with the mama grizzly routine.

Mine will have cute guys and babies and puppies. Stuff like that.  With cool outfits.

We’ll do artsy stuff like having wine coolers on a glacier.

Going to Anchorage for shopping and dinner, with puppies.

Taking Zippy Trippy to his playgroup…

Boy it’s tough to come up with stuff…

Ah! Movin’ into my new house across the lake!

That could be two episodes…

Better get the Zipper Tripper ready for the nanny. Big day workin’ for the dermatologist for a few minutes before I leave town again for the 3rd time this week…

Update: I have closed the comments on this post. While Bristle certainly provides much fodder for parody, I prefer to keep it light and silly, without any of the brutal picking away at her that goes on elsewhere. And this site is not a place to talk about Levi the parent, politics ala Palin, or what the Palins have done to other people. This site is about humor, not gossip or speculation or bitching. Faced with having to edit comments or simply not allow them through, I have chosen to simply close the comment section for this post. Please take this post for what it is:  a not-too-cruel parody of a certain young woman with issues.

Twit

tap tap tap tap tappity tap tap tap

tappity tap tap tappity tappity tap tap tap

Sarah Palin@SarahPalinUSA:

Good work, media. My ’07 “divorce” email was a joke mocking you for making up divorce rumors. Keep up the, er, credibility-building efforts!

Sarah: That’ll fix ’em!

Voice of “friend” who has known Sarah a long time and therefore loves her bunches, unlike those immature haters who don’t know her. The “friend” is doing her monthly stamp-licking because she loves Sarah and loves Sarah’s PAC money: Uh…Sarah…there wasn’t really any media around in 2007,  unless you count that Ear lady at ADN. Those divorce rumors in 2007 were coming from your neighbors and the spa people, mostly. And that bitch at the coffee shop.

Sarah: Did that Ear lady say something about me and Tawd? Did we threaten her? 2007 was ages ago and I’ve had to threaten all those other people, bein’ proactive and whatnot, there, and, ya know, they were attacking me and spreadin’ rumors all over about this and that stuff, also.

Voice of “friend”:  I don’t remember, but if you keep poking the media about divorce rumors they are going to notice that you are blaming them for rumors that happened before they were swarming all over the place.

Sarah: Being famous like me before that McCain crap, those Obama operatives, with their Alinsky notes, they were here back then, you betcha, sneakin’ around, knowin’ that I was gonna get tapped and wouldn’t blink, they were sneakin’, there, about this, and got those neighbors and haters to say stuff about me and Tawd, you betcha, way back then, and it was creepy, just sayin’.

Sarah: I know they did that, bein’ that they wanted to do frivilous ethics charges, which they made these Alaskans, there, do for them, and Tawd, well they probably followed him around and made up stuff. It was creepy I’ll bet, you betcha.

Voice of “friend”: That may well be, but I’m just saying that if you are thinking about running for anything, you don’t want the media back up here snooping around about divorce rumors in 2007.

Sarah: Unflippin’believable for them to do that. They are all Obama operatives.

Voice of “friend”: Just cool it with the twittermocking and maybe they won’t notice the dates.

Sarah: I’ve got ’em so pussy-whipped they will never get cojones to be sneakin’ around here makin’ up rumors before I even get tapped for Energy Secretary.

Sarah: They’re too lamestream. They won’t notice. Time for my crunchwrap.

Sarah: But you better go over to that blog and make sure they know they are wrong about this, there.

Voice of “friend”: That’s not really working out so well…

Sarah: Well keep on it! I can’t pay that creepy stalker woman anymore to do it because she keeps sending me creepy emails and hinting about me having Tawd and his buddies build her a room in the studio building. Now finish the envelopes before Piper gets home from her night janitor job at the spa.  I need to finish this food so I can puke before she gets here, and you are slowing me down.

 

The Perils of Plastic

OzMud found this for me. It looks like a Mariel Clayton, but not one I’ve seen before. Too detailed to be a knockoff copycat.

Troll rehab

First group therapy session for new patients.

Reading material.  Leave your laptop on the table during the session.

Welcome everybody. I’m Marilyn, and I will be facilitating your group therapy sessions.

I realize that most of you aren’t here willingly, either having been sent here by a judge or by your families, but I’m hoping that you will take responsibility for your own recovery and really work on your addiction.

Scary troll text: This lady is full of shit.

Marilyn: Excuse me scary troll. You know that blackberries aren’t allowed during therapy.

Scary Troll text: Eat shit.

Purple Troll text: You’re just jealous, Scary.

Scary Troll text: And you’re an immature hater.

Marilyn: Purple Troll stop it. Both of you stop it now.

Marilyn: Put the Blackberries down NOW. ALL of you. What is the matter with you?

Troll texts: What a lame hater…You are fucking ignorant…LOL witless…You must be paid to spew…You are so immature…Fucking bitch….Get a life….Asswipe….Bwwhahahaha…You’re a troll, get lost…Pot calling kettle black, troll…I pity your family….You’re too ugly to have family…I hope you off yourself….eat shit and die…Immature haters…

Marilyn: You are all going to lose computer privileges.

Mini and Purple texts: Nobody tells us what to do.

Marilyn: Put away those computers!

Marilyn: Stop it! Stop it!

Troll texts: This place is lame…I’m telling everybody on the Internet what a suck ass place this is…

Fighting Trolls: Don’t tell me what to do, you retard!…Takes one to know one, Santorum…Oh I’m so Romney, NOT….ouch, you all suck…Get off my face!

Marilyn: You people are insane!

Marilyn: You are all going to end up in isolation!

Fighting Trolls: Grunt…ow…stop that bitch…get off my face!

Marilyn: That’s it! I’m done with this!

Marilyn: Somebody else can run these damn therapy sessions!

Fighting Trolls: Gurgle…snarl…bitch…LOL…retard…immature…ow!

Marilyn: They don’t pay me nearly enough for this kind of crap.

Marilyn: I quit. I’d rather teach Middle School.

Little Blue troll text: Bwahahahaha! Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. Buh Bye!

A troll’s work is never done: Update

You never know if you have one or two trolls being four or five people, three or four trolls being themselves, or perhaps just one dysfunctional person.

A typical troll assortment.  A fairy tale troll, a concern troll, an immaturity troll, and a scary off-its-rocker troll.

Maybe just one very delusional, very caffeinated troll.

Concern Troll: You should be worried about what evil Obama Hussein is doing instead of hating on a rill American family.  And Soros is taking over the world using Alinsky tactics.

Fairy Tale Troll: You haters just make their family stronger and more hungry for Applebee’s.

Immaturity Troll: You bad people shouldn’t judge people you don’t know. That’s so immature and whatnot.

Crazy Troll: Sarah Palin is an angel and she will smite you when she becomes president.

And then a quick look into the lives of gatekeepers.

Gatekeepers are just mean girls of another color.

Hey troll, suck on this! LOL. Hey Baldy! LOL.

My opinions are very important. Anybody who disagrees with me is a troll. Anybody who doesn’t like my mean “banter” is a troll. Anybody who doesn’t like my tone is a troll. LOL. I am smart and funny. Get lost trolls! Don’t question my take on everything or I’ll have to tell you to ignore me after I call you names. LOL.

Junior gatekeeper hard at work.

Junior Gatekeeper:  You’re stupid and play with dolls. I’m rubber you’re glue. Na na you’re ugly.

Junior gatekeeper is the kind of bully who hides behind the popular mean girl.

Behind the Scenes:

Perils Cat wants to help with the set.

Too neat. Let me rearrange a little.

Props are tasty.

Troll hair is yummy.

Okay, I’m done helping you. Carry on.

Update: I closed the comments for this post because I’ve reached the point with this issue that all comments have been commented on, all comments about comments have been commented on in other comment sections, all commenters have commented about other commenters, and the comments about comments made by commenters have been commented on in a commenty way by many commenters. And, of course, trolls don’t see the humor in closing the comment section in a post about trolls who live in comment sections. Ah well, more laughs for me.

Woman of the Year

Sarah: This award that you are sayin’ they are giving me, the woman one, you are sayin’ they are giving it to me for not running for President?

Voice on phone: Yes for staying home with your family.

Sarah: My flippin’ family? They bought that crap about stayin’ home with these ungrateful snots who want all my money? Giving me an award for not running for a flippin’ crappy job that I’m too good for and didn’t want and wasn’t planning to go for anyway because Obama Hussein probably trashed the White House anyway, knowin’ that cow of a wife of his, there, pretendin’ she can run so I’m gettin’ an award for quittin’ after pretendin’ to want the job so that those GOP dolts, there in the beltway, those wimpy ones, bein’ jealous of me and Obama, would be vetting themselves and learnin’ how to have a still spine?

Voice on phone: Yup.

Sarah: God I’m good. I need to not run for president next time too.

Sarah: I think I’ll wear my leopard jacket for the award. PIPER!! Stop scrubbing the studio bathroom and pack my spare wigs! And my leopard coat! And my Spanx! Those whiny GOPers at CPAC will be so jealous.

Paul Revere and the Super Bowl

Yay! It’s time for the Super Bowl, and two good teams are playing this year. Sure, I was rooting for San Francisco or New Orleans, but hey, I actually like the Patriots and the Giants.  And yes, Paul is a Patriots fan, of course!  Now that I got my rah rah Super Bowl moment out of the way, on to Paul and his party.

We’ve noticed lately that Paul is definitely a ladies’ man. He likes the babes and is not shy about pursuing them. So it comes as no surprise that he invited the entire sorority, Phi Beta Cutie, over to his place for food, football, and fun. And yeah, he invited a few of his guy buddies too. Let the wild rumpus begin!

The party is in full swing at Paul’s place.

Paul’s hot tub is popular.

The game is starting.

Paul’s gun and bell in the corner. Ring ring!! Blam blam!! And there is his guitar. Strum strum!!

Ouija board for later.

Food, friends, and fun. (oh wait…that was supposed to be faith, family, and freedom. oops.)

KO explains something to blonde barbie and angry gingerbread man.

Paul’s dog Spot is keeping an eye on the food.

Paul’s tanning bed is popular with the ladies.

So is Paul.

Spot guards more food.

Anonymous loves football.

Angry gingerbread man argues with alien.

The ladies ignore angry gingerbread man.

Spot continues to guard the food.

Everybody seems to be having a great time.

Tanning lady is cooked enough and wants to watch the game.

Redhead is popular.

It must be almost halftime. Spot is hoping for lunch.

The ladies continue to ignore angry gingerbread man.

Grayhair likes Redhead. (Or maybe Anonymous)

Paul is having a blast.

Spot is still hoping for lunch.

Tanning lady watches Tom Brady.

Spot gets his lunch.

And Spot rejoices. Much rejoicing.

Behind the scenes:

I take a step back so you can see the entire table.

Here it is at the beginning.

Ring ring!! Blam blam!!

Perils Cat spots the feather grass.

Perils Cat chews on feather grass, sending wine glasses flying.