Troll rehab

First group therapy session for new patients.

Reading material.  Leave your laptop on the table during the session.

Welcome everybody. I’m Marilyn, and I will be facilitating your group therapy sessions.

I realize that most of you aren’t here willingly, either having been sent here by a judge or by your families, but I’m hoping that you will take responsibility for your own recovery and really work on your addiction.

Scary troll text: This lady is full of shit.

Marilyn: Excuse me scary troll. You know that blackberries aren’t allowed during therapy.

Scary Troll text: Eat shit.

Purple Troll text: You’re just jealous, Scary.

Scary Troll text: And you’re an immature hater.

Marilyn: Purple Troll stop it. Both of you stop it now.

Marilyn: Put the Blackberries down NOW. ALL of you. What is the matter with you?

Troll texts: What a lame hater…You are fucking ignorant…LOL witless…You must be paid to spew…You are so immature…Fucking bitch….Get a life….Asswipe….Bwwhahahaha…You’re a troll, get lost…Pot calling kettle black, troll…I pity your family….You’re too ugly to have family…I hope you off yourself….eat shit and die…Immature haters…

Marilyn: You are all going to lose computer privileges.

Mini and Purple texts: Nobody tells us what to do.

Marilyn: Put away those computers!

Marilyn: Stop it! Stop it!

Troll texts: This place is lame…I’m telling everybody on the Internet what a suck ass place this is…

Fighting Trolls: Don’t tell me what to do, you retard!…Takes one to know one, Santorum…Oh I’m so Romney, NOT….ouch, you all suck…Get off my face!

Marilyn: You people are insane!

Marilyn: You are all going to end up in isolation!

Fighting Trolls: Grunt…ow…stop that bitch…get off my face!

Marilyn: That’s it! I’m done with this!

Marilyn: Somebody else can run these damn therapy sessions!

Fighting Trolls: Gurgle…snarl…bitch…LOL…retard…immature…ow!

Marilyn: They don’t pay me nearly enough for this kind of crap.

Marilyn: I quit. I’d rather teach Middle School.

Little Blue troll text: Bwahahahaha! Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. Buh Bye!

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30 responses to “Troll rehab

  1. Troll implosion. Dead and done

  2. Cracklin' Charlie

    This is so damn funny. Those trolls are goin’ at it like a bunch of rats in an old, dirty tube sock!

    Poor Marilyn.

    ps…Your troll series is destined to win all the “major” awards.

  3. wow, that there is some big drama!
    I wish I still had my trolls, now I only have the hater trolls to laugh at.

  4. Bare and Funbalanced

    That is so perfect!! Including the inability to rehabilitate. I love the infighting among themselves when they can’t trash anyone else. Kinda like the family your blog is named after, heh?? There are way too many creeps just like her and so take a stand wherever you can.

    http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/567784/Changing/

    • Bare and Funbalanced

      Or ignore them if they are really trolls! It depends because I see these guys as more bullies like Palin and her nuts than trolls.

      • I think it gets a little sticky here. Is a troll always a bully? Is an internet bully always a troll? Semantics, definitions, logic diagrams…perhaps we should all just Romney.

        • Well I’ve been thinking about this and have concluded that all trolls are cyberbullies but not all cyberbullies are trolls. Non-troll cyberbullies have internet options for harassing people other than in comment sections. Years ago I belonged to a forum. One of those places where people go because they have in common whatever the forum is about, and then they all get to know each other. Anyway, I think those types of places are breeding grounds for all types of cyberbullies. People share too much personal information with “strangers” who then take advantage of them and begin to harass them. The false intimacy combined with the anonymity of the Internet brings out the bully even in some people who didn’t realize they had bully leanings. And it was harassment at that place that finally caused me to leave, even though I had made friends that I still have today. Now I avoid places that encourage bullies and trolling, and I have an absolute zero tolerance policy about it here.

        • I’m sorry you had that bad experience – the Internet is full of stories of people being, and feeling bullied. Kleenex needed. Hugs, sis!

          I’m in a lot of forums which are not full of either trolls or bullies, but they are heavily moderated forums with no BS tolerated. If a mild would be bully or troll pops in, it is taken care of by the community pronto. One which I find funny is a holistic health forum, and every once in awhile some nutcase jumps in and calls everyone pathetic, stupid, crazy, and god knows what else while natural treatments and protocols are being discussed. The members just chuckle good naturedly & often respond along the lines of “If you want to be sick or diseased, & be treated for symptoms only instead of the cause, leave the forum and never look back. You are a Big Pharma dream come true.”

          And therein lies the problem – human nature has some very base tendencies and they grow if given a platform. Palin was given a platform, and is still yapping her big mouth about nothing while creating intense disharmony in everything and everyone she touches. Bullies and trolls are easily dealt with UNTIL they are given a platform to spew or manipulate from.

          I enjoyed this discussion from a forum of Forum Admins. Here are two thread quotes which I think sum it up pretty well:

          http://www.theadminzone.com/forums/showthread.php?p=550712

          hari – “I actually find that there are two classes of people who cause maximum trouble on forums. One is of course, the traditional “troll” who wreaks havoc by anti-social behaviour and by deliberately riling up forum members to get kicks out of it, causing havoc and bad blood in the process.

          I think as admins, we need to realize that there is another group which I would term as “online bullies” or “internet bullies” who can become equally destructive in undermining communities.

          These gentlemen/ladies differ from trolls in the sense that they are not anti-social, but they are an accepted and sometimes well-respected members who assume a sort of informal and unofficial leadership role. They use this position to intimidate and assert their views on newer and less established members and often push their weight around to mark territorial rights. They will generally try and behave properly, but subtly try and behave like moderators and preach about forum behaviour. They will also turn and insult people as they wish and surprisingly other forum members will turn a blind eye to them. They will usually “adopt” ownership of a single forum or a subforum of a board and hang out there frequently with their clan. (this feature is usually more common in larger forums)

          These people are often the starting point of cliques because they can gather a group of yes-people around them in no time. Beware of these people and watch out for them because they can be a lot more trouble in the long run than isolated trolls running loose. Sometimes you just need an excellent troll to combat an established forum bully.”

          AND

          Blind Bandit – “Internet bullies can easily destroy a forum if the staff refuses to step up and deal with these kind of problems.Its not easy but I would say if you want a forum to survive , be friendly and happy you must be willing to deal with this.

          I think the best suggestion I can give is keep an out for cliquish behavior and don’t support or tolerate unwelcoming or unkind behavior. Sadly I’ve seen admins ignore, let it slide or simply not see it. This in my opinion can kills a forum like no other.

          Its not like a troll its more subtle and if a forum has this problem you can be sucked into before you know and then its too late. My suggestion again is too look for cliqueish or elitist behavior and be on the look out for trouble.

          I think the biggest issue that can motivate this problem to grow is a staff who won’t confront a bully when they are misbehaving because the’re an older member, have given a lot time or done a great deal for the site. It comes back the fact the staff must deal with these problems quickly and early if possible.”

          • Excellent advice. The place I used to frequent was a band site. The band had a hands-off approach and had a couple of administrators. Eventually the population of the place was out of control, and one of the administrators had taken sides and begun to act like some crazy mixture of Hitler and Napoleon. He actually went into people’s personal messages and read them, and he banned anybody who questioned what he did. It was nuts. It was like an asylum with no locks on the doors and a mad scientist machinating in the corner. Places like this are all over the Internet, and they are definitely breeding grounds for Internet bullies as well as traditional trolls.

        • The administrator (one of two, the other was awesome) was out of control and so were many of the “citizens” of that place. A particular gang of bullies began to seriously cross the line and stalk others in their 3D lives. A friend of mine got fired from her job because one of the gang made an anonymous complaint to her place of work stating that she was a pedophile. Sound familiar? She was cleared of that but her connection to dubious internet sites that she accessed while at work got her fired anyway. A group of us (with the awesome admin) split off and formed a “gated” community (no anonymous posters,no guests, real contact info stored with admin). It worked for a while and then cliques formed and harassment started again. I walked away forever when I posted that my beloved dog died suddenly and a fringe member accused me of lying for sympathy. That was the final straw, along with the guy who insisted on arguing with everybody, all of the time, about their choice of words. I made lasting friendships at that place, but I paid a price and will never pay that price again.

  5. I love your imagination and you pretty much hit the troll activity on the nose. Love the trolls, more please? What’s Paul been up to lately? Last time I saw him he was having a good time with the ladies

  6. Thanks! 🙂 I think your idea for a post would be excellent. If everything in my “real” life were fantastic, I doubt I’d be crying over cyber-bullies, or spending so much time online in the first place, for that matter. As you say, there’s a significant difference between guarding your personal information and privacy, and guarding your “self” (virtual and actual) against bullies.

    I hear you on the treasure hunting–I hit thrift stores at least weekly to see what kinds of fun stuff I can buy, both for myself and to resell!

  7. Another masterpiece! This troll rehab session is so perfect! The trolls and bullies may not have benefited but I got some very therapeutic laughs. Thanks!

    Interesting discussion, too. I wonder how the bullies interact with others when they’re away from cyberland. It’s hard to picture them as reasonable adult humans.

  8. I’m glad you did this series of vignettes (heh, really too fun) and blog entries. After trying hard to ‘take it with a grain of salt, take the best, scroll past the repetitive drek’ I finally realized that the best website policy, for one’s health, is to do a version of ‘voting with your feet’. Vote with your mouse. There are communities that police themselves beautifully — usually those without a string of comments made by ‘anonymous’. Those are the places worth one’s time. I can’t imagine what kind of joy or pleasure comes from managing a crew of ‘clever’ snipers who show up day after day after…tedious day.

    Hope you keep having cathartic fun with your small ensemble members. Although, I think the troll dolls are inherently too cute to fully tell the tale. 🙂

    • I ran into a commenter whose homepage was simply a lovely serene outdoor photo of a green and empty, kind of windswept field. No blogging — just the photo and a sentiment. The caption was “shut off the computer and step outside”. I think that’s a good idea —
      to reclaim one’s time with regularity and refuse to get lost in the noise when you can. This blog is clearly a witty and unique counter-statement in that regard.

      Also, what I’ve learned is that bloggers who interact the most with their audience, tend to get the most civilized exchanges. Because they are personal, and thus accountable.

  9. One of my favorite blogs has progressively become more hostile and kind of ugly at times. The blog owner has taken the lead in that, and I find it disturbing and sad. I used to love going to the blog, but now it frequently is just too nasty, and it’s gradually dropping off my radar. I still go there, but I don’t enjoy it much anymore and skip an awful lot of stuff whereas months ago I read every single thing posted.

    However, I would totally love hanging out with you and Juanita Jean anytime and anywhere.

    • I think voting with a mouse is one of the best ways to, as you say earlier, maximize our power as consumers and minimize the commodification of our virtual selves. And thinking of it in those terms makes me feel empowered at a whole new level for swearing off certain sites with unmonitored troll/cyberbully activity.

      • When people call me immature, I take that as a compliment. My personal favorite is “a bit strange.” You could live out your entire mundane life without being called a bit strange, but if one of your goofier dreams of old age is to be the crazy lady that kids cross the street to avoid, then being called a bit strange is definitely a positive.

  10. Some of my personal favorites are Roguey Book Tour, the Plastic Mayhem version of Paul Revere and the Bus, Revenge of the emails, and Bristle Tour. I like all of the plastic mayhem episodes a lot. I get a lot of therapy out of having my dolls beat the crap out of my other dolls. lol. The PWF series is good for that too. That stands for Palin Wrestling Federation. And of course, if you like blood, check out Pardon the Mess.

  11. Love your posts! Would you like some more Barbies? My daughter has a few still lying around the house that we will happily donate to the cause

    • Thanks Lynn! I have SO many barbies that I only collect out-of-the-ordinary ones now. If you have a light brunette like Sarah,with brown eyes, or if you have a very unusual barbie, I would be interested. Especially if they are articulated. If they are blonde and blue-eyed, I have about 50 of those and have no more room for more.

  12. One blonde, one African-American and a small rigid body figurine (5 inches tall maybe). The two big ones are not the ball joint elbow & knee types. I think there are others lurking in the basement, maybe clothes & accessories too. I’ll keep excavating and let you know what I find.

  13. lOve the trolls!!!
    check your buttermilk email – just sent you a pressie!

  14. I need to make a post, but my creative juices haven’t been flowing much this week. In the meantime, I’ll post ozmud’s pressie, which is what appears to be a Mariel Clayton, but not one I’ve seen before.

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