Bristle Blog: Tripping Over Life

In hopes of salvaging the time, money, and energy that they put into trying to make Bristle a reality show star, Bristle’s handlers decide that a blog would drum up interest in the trippy new series. Bristle’s ghostwriter is assigned the task of turning Bristle into a blogger. She tells Bristle to work on a couple of short paragraphs about her and Zippy Trippy.

We find Bristle in front of her computer in the early morning hours, surfing the blogs and leaving hardworking comments while Zippy Trippy sleeps.

Having made the rounds, Bristle decides to work on her homework assignment.

Umm…let’s see…uh…okay! Tappity tap tap tap tap.

“Hi, I’m Bristle. How are you? I am fine.”

No, wait….that’s writing a letter. Ummm….okay! Tap tap tappity tap tap tap.

“I’m a hardworking strong mom to Zippy Trippy. He’s really cute so I’m going to give him a mohawk.”

That’s pretty good. I’m gettin’ the hang of this.

This is way better than mom’s stupid Facebook page. Everybody has Facebook. I will be a popular blogger.

Nobody will go to other blogs to read about me, because they are immature and judge people. Smart people will go to the mature strong blog.

Okay, now what? Ummm…Zippy Trippy is cute. Did that. Ummm…Strong, uh, did that. I know! Tappity tappity tap tap tap tap.

“Trig is cute too.  He plays with Zippy Trippy.”

What else can I say about that? Hmmm…I know! Tappity tap tap tap.

“My mother had Trig, you immature haters.”

This is hard. I need more coffee.

I never liked homework. Changing diapers and cleaning house and making mac and cheese is way easier.

I need to do more things with Zippy Trippy and take pictures. Then I can just put pictures on the blog. Way easier.

Okay, where did we go for the reality show? They have pictures. Then I won’t even have to take pictures.

I’ll tell my ghostwriter to do the writing stuff and I’ll just choose pictures. This will be great.

Bristle: Hey, this is me, Bristle. I have a great idea for the blog.

Voice of ghostwriter: Bristle, it’s still dark outside. I’m trying to sleep. Call me later. Way later.

But I have this great idea that I had about not doing homework. You just have to do the writing part to make me look hard working and strong and mature and I will get good pictures of Zippy Trippy. It’s perfect!

Voice of ghostwriter: Oh for pete’s sake! I’m supposed to help you with your writing, not write it all. I already did that for your book and you promised you would try to write. Now I am going back to sleep. Goodnight Bristle.

Bristle: But the producers said you would make me sound smart and strong. It’s just some words. What’s the big deal? How hard is that?

Voice of ghostwriter: (mumbled under breath: You’d be surprised.) GOOD NIGHT Bristle.

Bristle: Sheesh! Okay call me later cuz this is great.

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13 responses to “Bristle Blog: Tripping Over Life

  1. FABULOUS DARLING! Love the witch chin. I am laughing hard!

  2. Virginia Voter

    I don’t know how Lifetime is going to make this girl more interesting. They should take some hints from you!

  3. You certainly got the chin right! Love it!!!

  4. You are a very talented comedian! I’m laughing so hard I can barely type. Your version of Bristle is more reality than her show will ever be. I love her outfit, the chin, right down to the eyelashes. Hilarious!
    Thanks for the always needed laugh.

  5. Oh so catty… and oh so funny. Thanks for the giggles.

  6. “Smart people will go to the mature strong blog.” And that’s why I enjoy reading here. I hope that the Palin’s insatiable need to always be somehow in the news doesn’t crimp your road trip plans. On the other hand, if you prognosticated Palin ‘breaking news’ in advance of your road trip, it would be funny to see what actually came to be during your absence.

    • I may or may not be able to throw together one last post before I leave next Saturday. Sometimes I can pull together something really fast, especially the ones using my computer as a backdrop and just having Sarah flap her lips.

  7. That chin is priceless. (Although the real one, that was done badly, probably cost poor Bristol a mint).

  8. I swear you must have her phone tapped or were sitting there with her when she called Nancy French. What a hoot! tyvm

  9. I don’t think Bristol’s chin cost her a dime: SarahPAC probably paid for it.

  10. What is really funny is the shoes under/by the chair. If you go back and look at the pic of Bristle and Willow taken at CPAC, you see her strappy buckled shoes in beige suede/taupe. LAUGHING hard right now!!!

  11. Now Bristol, I mean Nancy French, no wait..Sarah Palin.. want President Obama to call her. Ridiculous. Attention seeking! And it would make a funny post for you. LOL> You need a President Obama doll actually calling her. HAHA
    This post is very funny. I am so sick of them I barely read the blogs anymore, but I do check in here for a good laugh.

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