Monthly Archives: July 2012

Purseholders earn polka dots

Last minute addition to Stars and Stripes, Tawd Purseholder Palin, was put through his paces by his handlers during the conditioning phase of the competition. Special Forces handlers Seneca and Grimworte had the task of teaching Tawd some basic combat survival skills. By the time they got to rappelling and swimming, the two handlers had had enough of  Pussy Pimp Palin.

Seneca: Climb up that rock. You have to rappel down the other side, just like in the video we showed you.

That rock?

That’s a big rock.

Are you sure there isn’t a smaller rock to start with?

Seneca:  It’s the same size rock that all of the contestants have to rappel down.

Grimworte:  We’ll help you if you get stuck.

How are you going to help me if I’m up there and you are down here?

Seneca: It’s just a game, Palin. Now get your pussy ass up the damn rock.

oof, ugh, huff, puff.

Seneca: If I didn’t have two teenage daughters needing college tuition, I would have quit when Pussy Palin got his butt tangled in the barbed wire.

Grimworte: Who’d you piss off on the General’s staff to get stuck with this guy?

Seneca: Maybe it was you who got us stuck with Candyass.

Okay, I made it! Now what?

There’s nothing to tie the rope to up here. What do I do?

Seneca:  Toss an end down here and we’ll tie it to something for you.

Is it tied? I”m getting woozy from the altitude up here.

Seneca: Yup, all tied! (on this little bitty stick, heh heh heh)

Hey guys! You didn’t tell me how to rappel!

Aackk! Nowhere to put my feet! Now what?

Seneca, from the other side of the rock:  Brace your feet against the rock you idiot. Remember the video!

My hands are slipping!

Help!

Help!

Somebody help me!

Aackk! Lost my helmet! Help help!

Seneca:  Oops. All that thrashing and yelling loosened the anchor.

Grimworte:  That sucks. For him.

Seneca:  Well it’s only about a ten foot drop from where he is, but if we don’t at least pretend to help him that bitch wife of his will threaten to sue us.

Grimworte:  You missed it, buddy. He’s going down.

Help!

oof!

Ow.

I hate this show.

Later, the swimming lesson begins…

Grimworte:  You have to swim to the other side of the lake.

The whole lake?

Grimworte:  Yeah dude. It’s not as far as it looks. We have somebody in a boat out there if you get in trouble.

I’m not much of a swimmer. Can’t we find a little creek?

Seneca:  You can do it, man. Just start swimming. No big deal.

Grimworte:  Yeah, Delta Team has that biathlon guy who is going to wipe the floor with us if you don’t get your ass in the water and practice.

Okay, okay! I’m going.

Just give me a sec…

The water is cold. What if I get a cramp?

Seneca:  It’s the middle of summer. Buck it up, soldier.

It looks deep.

Grimworte:  Wrong way, Palin. Turn around.

Glub glub, splash splash.

Glub…

Seneca: Kick your feet! Haven’t you ever swam before?

Glub glub cough. Nobody said I had to know how to swim to do this gig.

help…glug…

Seneca:  I swear the guy is going to drown himself ten feet from shore.

Grimworte:  My three year old can swim better than this guy.  Iron Dog my ass.

glub glub help!

Seneca:  I can’t watch this debacle anymore. I’m thinking the girls can go to community college.

Seneca:  Grab the rope, Palin.

glub glub cough…

Grimworte:  The next time we send you to the pool for practice laps, you’d damn well better do something other than work on your tan and leer at women in bikinis.

Seneca:  Palin, if you don’t actually do your homework, we aren’t going to make it past the first week of the show.

Cough.  Nobody told me this was going to be a bunch of work. I hate this show.

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