Category Archives: Bristle

Bristle Blog: Tripping Over Life

In hopes of salvaging the time, money, and energy that they put into trying to make Bristle a reality show star, Bristle’s handlers decide that a blog would drum up interest in the trippy new series. Bristle’s ghostwriter is assigned the task of turning Bristle into a blogger. She tells Bristle to work on a couple of short paragraphs about her and Zippy Trippy.

We find Bristle in front of her computer in the early morning hours, surfing the blogs and leaving hardworking comments while Zippy Trippy sleeps.

Having made the rounds, Bristle decides to work on her homework assignment.

Umm…let’s see…uh…okay! Tappity tap tap tap tap.

“Hi, I’m Bristle. How are you? I am fine.”

No, wait….that’s writing a letter. Ummm….okay! Tap tap tappity tap tap tap.

“I’m a hardworking strong mom to Zippy Trippy. He’s really cute so I’m going to give him a mohawk.”

That’s pretty good. I’m gettin’ the hang of this.

This is way better than mom’s stupid Facebook page. Everybody has Facebook. I will be a popular blogger.

Nobody will go to other blogs to read about me, because they are immature and judge people. Smart people will go to the mature strong blog.

Okay, now what? Ummm…Zippy Trippy is cute. Did that. Ummm…Strong, uh, did that. I know! Tappity tappity tap tap tap tap.

“Trig is cute too.  He plays with Zippy Trippy.”

What else can I say about that? Hmmm…I know! Tappity tap tap tap.

“My mother had Trig, you immature haters.”

This is hard. I need more coffee.

I never liked homework. Changing diapers and cleaning house and making mac and cheese is way easier.

I need to do more things with Zippy Trippy and take pictures. Then I can just put pictures on the blog. Way easier.

Okay, where did we go for the reality show? They have pictures. Then I won’t even have to take pictures.

I’ll tell my ghostwriter to do the writing stuff and I’ll just choose pictures. This will be great.

Bristle: Hey, this is me, Bristle. I have a great idea for the blog.

Voice of ghostwriter: Bristle, it’s still dark outside. I’m trying to sleep. Call me later. Way later.

But I have this great idea that I had about not doing homework. You just have to do the writing part to make me look hard working and strong and mature and I will get good pictures of Zippy Trippy. It’s perfect!

Voice of ghostwriter: Oh for pete’s sake! I’m supposed to help you with your writing, not write it all. I already did that for your book and you promised you would try to write. Now I am going back to sleep. Goodnight Bristle.

Bristle: But the producers said you would make me sound smart and strong. It’s just some words. What’s the big deal? How hard is that?

Voice of ghostwriter: (mumbled under breath: You’d be surprised.) GOOD NIGHT Bristle.

Bristle: Sheesh! Okay call me later cuz this is great.

Advertisements

Bristle is popular (and strong)(and hardworking): Update

Armed with a latte from her countertop cappuccino machine, Zippy Trippy still asleep in the early morning hours, Bristle sits down for her morning round of Bristle-browsing.

Wow! Over 300 comments!

Tappity tap tap tap…You don’t know Bristle. She’s strong and has a high school degree and a hardworking job at the dermatologist, making lattes…tappity tappity…

I’m way more popular than my mom.

Tap tap tap…You don’t know that strong family that goes to Applebee’s. They laugh at haters. FACT.

Mom is going to be jealous that I am popular.

The blogs love me.

Kim Kardashian is so lower 48.

My new reality show about me exploring Alaska on my lunch break from my hardworking job at the dermatologist is going to be a big hit.

Mom’s show was, like, so politics and whatnot, and makin’ everybody fish and shoot and whack stuff and all, so yesterday Survivor for old people…

I mean, jeez, enough with the mama grizzly routine.

Mine will have cute guys and babies and puppies. Stuff like that.  With cool outfits.

We’ll do artsy stuff like having wine coolers on a glacier.

Going to Anchorage for shopping and dinner, with puppies.

Taking Zippy Trippy to his playgroup…

Boy it’s tough to come up with stuff…

Ah! Movin’ into my new house across the lake!

That could be two episodes…

Better get the Zipper Tripper ready for the nanny. Big day workin’ for the dermatologist for a few minutes before I leave town again for the 3rd time this week…

Update: I have closed the comments on this post. While Bristle certainly provides much fodder for parody, I prefer to keep it light and silly, without any of the brutal picking away at her that goes on elsewhere. And this site is not a place to talk about Levi the parent, politics ala Palin, or what the Palins have done to other people. This site is about humor, not gossip or speculation or bitching. Faced with having to edit comments or simply not allow them through, I have chosen to simply close the comment section for this post. Please take this post for what it is:  a not-too-cruel parody of a certain young woman with issues.

Update 2:  Since I am reblogging this, I have reopened the comments. Please don’t make me close them. Read first update for guidelines. No trolls allowed (of course), and no mention of trolls, or the other stuff mentioned above.  Keep it light, or I’ll shut down the comments faster than you can say “Brancy.”

Bristle Blog: Tripping Over Life

In hopes of salvaging the time, money, and energy that they put into trying to make Bristle a reality show star, Bristle’s handlers decide that a blog would drum up interest in the trippy new series. Bristle’s ghostwriter is assigned the task of turning Bristle into a blogger. She tells Bristle to work on a couple of short paragraphs about her and Zippy Trippy.

We find Bristle in front of her computer in the early morning hours, surfing the blogs and leaving hardworking comments while Zippy Trippy sleeps.

Having made the rounds, Bristle decides to work on her homework assignment.

Umm…let’s see…uh…okay! Tappity tap tap tap tap.

“Hi, I’m Bristle. How are you? I am fine.”

No, wait….that’s writing a letter. Ummm….okay! Tap tap tappity tap tap tap.

“I’m a hardworking strong mom to Zippy Trippy. He’s really cute so I’m going to give him a mohawk.”

That’s pretty good. I’m gettin’ the hang of this.

This is way better than mom’s stupid Facebook page. Everybody has Facebook. I will be a popular blogger.

Nobody will go to other blogs to read about me, because they are immature and judge people. Smart people will go to the mature strong blog.

Okay, now what? Ummm…Zippy Trippy is cute. Did that. Ummm…Strong, uh, did that. I know! Tappity tappity tap tap tap tap.

“Trig is cute too.  He plays with Zippy Trippy.”

What else can I say about that? Hmmm…I know! Tappity tap tap tap.

“My mother had Trig, you immature haters.”

This is hard. I need more coffee.

I never liked homework. Changing diapers and cleaning house and making mac and cheese is way easier.

I need to do more things with Zippy Trippy and take pictures. Then I can just put pictures on the blog. Way easier.

Okay, where did we go for the reality show? They have pictures. Then I won’t even have to take pictures.

I’ll tell my ghostwriter to do the writing stuff and I’ll just choose pictures. This will be great.

Bristle: Hey, this is me, Bristle. I have a great idea for the blog.

Voice of ghostwriter: Bristle, it’s still dark outside. I’m trying to sleep. Call me later. Way later.

But I have this great idea that I had about not doing homework. You just have to do the writing part to make me look hard working and strong and mature and I will get good pictures of Zippy Trippy. It’s perfect!

Voice of ghostwriter: Oh for pete’s sake! I’m supposed to help you with your writing, not write it all. I already did that for your book and you promised you would try to write. Now I am going back to sleep. Goodnight Bristle.

Bristle: But the producers said you would make me sound smart and strong. It’s just some words. What’s the big deal? How hard is that?

Voice of ghostwriter: (mumbled under breath: You’d be surprised.) GOOD NIGHT Bristle.

Bristle: Sheesh! Okay call me later cuz this is great.

Bristle is popular (and strong)(and hardworking): Update

Armed with a latte from her countertop cappuccino machine, Zippy Trippy still asleep in the early morning hours, Bristle sits down for her morning round of Bristle-browsing.

Wow! Over 300 comments!

Tappity tap tap tap…You don’t know Bristle. She’s strong and has a high school degree and a hardworking job at the dermatologist, making lattes…tappity tappity…

I’m way more popular than my mom.

Tap tap tap…You don’t know that strong family that goes to Applebee’s. They laugh at haters. FACT.

Mom is going to be jealous that I am popular.

The blogs love me.

Kim Kardashian is so lower 48.

My new reality show about me exploring Alaska on my lunch break from my hardworking job at the dermatologist is going to be a big hit.

Mom’s show was, like, so politics and whatnot, and makin’ everybody fish and shoot and whack stuff and all, so yesterday Survivor for old people…

I mean, jeez, enough with the mama grizzly routine.

Mine will have cute guys and babies and puppies. Stuff like that.  With cool outfits.

We’ll do artsy stuff like having wine coolers on a glacier.

Going to Anchorage for shopping and dinner, with puppies.

Taking Zippy Trippy to his playgroup…

Boy it’s tough to come up with stuff…

Ah! Movin’ into my new house across the lake!

That could be two episodes…

Better get the Zipper Tripper ready for the nanny. Big day workin’ for the dermatologist for a few minutes before I leave town again for the 3rd time this week…

Update: I have closed the comments on this post. While Bristle certainly provides much fodder for parody, I prefer to keep it light and silly, without any of the brutal picking away at her that goes on elsewhere. And this site is not a place to talk about Levi the parent, politics ala Palin, or what the Palins have done to other people. This site is about humor, not gossip or speculation or bitching. Faced with having to edit comments or simply not allow them through, I have chosen to simply close the comment section for this post. Please take this post for what it is:  a not-too-cruel parody of a certain young woman with issues.

Caption contest

Given that I have once again run out of time on my latest photo shoot before heading out for more camping, I’m going to leave it to you guys to caption some of my photos. The lighting crew (me) didn’t do a very good job this time. That’s what happens when I try to hurry.  The makeup crew (me) was also in a hurry and did some sloppy work.

As people have probably heard, Bristle is going to be on Jay Leno this week.  I wasn’t able to create the other guest, Don Rickles, but I did get Jay and Bristle together.  Have fun with the captions. Setting up and photographing one of these posts is a ton of work, but I always have a blast with the captions. I’ve put numbers under the pictures so you can refer to the one you are captioning. And on that note, I’m off to the woods. Have a great weekend!

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

BristleTour: Barefoot and preggers in America’s heartland

Bristle kicks off her two-stop book tour at the Mall of America, AKA tomato central, in the great heartland of rill America. There she meets her most ardent fans, who traveled many minutes and stood in short lines so that they could get a signed copy of their role model’s memoirs.

To avoid the kind of attempted tomatoing that Bristle’s mom got at this mall, the book signing is being held in the back of the bookstore (too bad!) and patrons are being searched for squishy objects (I heard that the tomatoes that guy threw at Sarah were  hard. He apparently didn’t quite get the concept of tomato-throwing, and he was a lousy aim).

They aren’t exactly expecting a giant crowd for Bristle’s book signing. Luckily, some of the nuttier fans who came to mom’s signings (like that lady wearing the godawful t-shirt with Sarah’s giant face plastered on it) have apparently decided that they own enough Palin books.

Bristle arrives at the mall.

This is where rill Americans do their book shopping.

Hi everybody! It’s me, Bristle!

I’m famous!

I can dance!

Queen of the Mall!

Bristle’s fans eagerly await their signed copy of her book.

Bristle, Bristle! We want to be like you!

Girls, um, it’s not easy being me. I’ve had it rill hard.

Bristle, if it’s a girl I’m naming her after you!

Bristle, my baby-daddy won’t pose for pictures. What should I do?

Um, girls, those baby-daddies are such ass…um…gnats. Get your mom to threaten them.

Bristle, Bristle! Is it better to get married or stay a single teen mom?

(yikes! Who is that in line?)

Um…well…both is better, as long as somebody pays you. Just cancel stuff after you cash the check. My mom does it all the time.

Yup…um…girls, abstinence pays, um…as long as you do it after the baby. Um…at least while people are looking.

I’d better get to signing these books. Security must have the rest of my fans waiting somewhere else in the store.

That Bristle: Too boring for reality TV?

Having finished the filming of Bristle’s move to the LA “house,” the camera people have the cast members do some filler shots and filler dialogue while waiting for the director to arrive on the set.

Bristle practices looking hip and savvy.

Cameraman #1: Bristle, say something to the guys.

Kyle: Yo Bristle, I’m glad to see you got moved in.

Chris: Now we can get to working on the charity.

Bristle: Um…yeah, all moved in, me and Zippy Trippy.

Bristle: Uh…you, um, guys ready to get to work?

Bristle: I’m, um, looking forward, here, to doing the charity stuff.

Cameraman #2: Keep talking everybody.

Chris: We’re tryin’ man.

Chris: My girlfriend Tanya will be here soon. We are going to go pick up the keys to the new charity office.

Kyle: Great. I think the office furniture delivery is set up for tomorrow. Gotta check on that.

Kyle: I’m jazzed about this.

Cameraman #1: Bristle, join in and tell us how you feel.

Bristle: Um…I’m excited too.

Cameraman #1: Bristle, do you think you could expand on that a bit?

Bristle: Uh, okay…um, I’m gonna work hard at the charity thing, and, um… do lots of stuff for the community and, um…me and they guys are gonna laugh.

Kyle: Good times, roomies, good times.

Cameraman #2: Velcro kid.

Bristle: Tripper Nipper, go see Uncle Chris.

Bristle: awww, Troupin’ Trippy wuvs his uncle.

Bristle: Hey there little Spiffy Trippy, go see Uncle Kyle now.

Kyle: The little guy likes my bro the best. I’ll bet Chris is giving him candy.

Chris: Hey now…I only did that once. I hear the director in the entryway.

Director: Okay people, I need you to continue interacting so I can see how you work together.

Director: Bristle, you really need to step out of yourself and at least try to shine.  I’m afraid the moving footage is as dull as it comes. We’ve got to pump some life into this concept.

Bristle: Um… I’m doing the best I can. You don’t have to be so mean.

Bristle: I, uh, am really thrilled and excited about the project.

Director: *sigh*

Chris: Hey everybody! This is my girlfriend Tanya.

Tanya: Hi everybody! Nice to meet you!

Bristle: Hi Tanya.

Tanya: Chris and I are heading out to get the keys to the new office. Is that exciting or what?

Bristle: Um…very exciting. And thrilling.

Chris and Tanya: Bye everybody! Later!

Bristle and Kyle: Bye! Later!

Director: *sigh*

Director: Okay, you guys, we have a real problem with the show. I’ve been talking to my producers about the lack of energy in the filming so far. You guys really need to step it up and put yourselves out there.  The charity office itself isn’t the biggest goldmine for filming opportunities, so we’ve really got to work with this living situation. I don’t suppose you two are starting a relationship? That would be useful.

Kyle: No, we’re just friends. I guess we don’t have much in common. I was kind of hoping the charity would be the spark. I’m pretty worked up about doing it.

Bristle: Um…me too. I mean, um, it’ll be a blast. Me and Kyle. And Chris. And Hip Tripp. Yeah, um, it’ll be exciting.

Director: *sigh*