On a cold, starry April night in 1775, Paul Revere was assigned the task of riding to Lexington to warn the British that the colonists were armed and were planning to stay that way. After first running through the streets of Boston shooting off his musket, blam blam (two if by sea) so that the citizens could unlock their musket safes and arm themselves to the teeth, Paul Revere swam across the Charleston River and borrowed a horse. He then galloped off into the night, ringin’ his bell and shootin’ his gun, loudly proclaiming, “The British are coming! Annie get your gun! Hey British dudes! We’re armed and you can’t have our guns!”
“Hey British! Hey British! We are armed!”
Blam Blam!! Ring Ring!!
Hey British, you can’t have our guns!!
Dream on, suckuhs!
Blam Blam!! Ring Ring!
During his ride, Paul happens upon a fair maiden who has run out to see what the ruckus is.
Fair Maiden: Sire! What is happening?
Paul: Greetings fair maiden! I am warning the British that we colonists are armed.
Do you have your weapons loaded and ready?
Yes, sire, I have my trusty Smith and Wesson right here.
Excellent! Be sure to shoot it a bunch so those pesky British know you are armed. They’ll not get our guns!
Yes, sire, I shall fire with abandon!
Those British shall not have my weapon unless they pry it from my frigid lifeless digits!
That’s the spirit, lassie! I am off to warn the British that we mean business!
Ride hard my strong stallion! We must get to the British soon to warn them that we are armed!
Blam Blam!! Ring Ring!!
No man nor lass shall sleep tonight! Ring Ring!! Blam Blam!!
Update: Someone named Elizabeth Ash wrote a poem and posted it on another blog:
Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
To warn the Brits, or what? Oh, dear
I cannot think, it’s not quite clear…
I have it now! And I will tell:
He rode, he shot, he rang the bell,
He told the Brits to go to hell
Defiant, proud and shooting swell.
Through the country dark he road
Through fair New Hampshire, so we’re told,
Through field and street, he was right bold
His rifle clutched, a vise-like hold.
“We armed, we’re armed!” he shouted wide,
He rang that bell as he did ride,
He shot the dark from side to side,
Uh, wait, I think that, uh, I lied.
Another poetry update. Sarah’s stupidity always brings out the creativity in people.
Saracudda Rewrites History
by Anne Sweeney
Listen my children and you shall hear
Of political crises so severe
Our nation is threatened as never before
By the specter of Ignorance at our door
It isn’t al Qaeda that poses a threat
Not Korea or Iran nor China and Nyet,
There’s little from Russia that we have to fear
Our liberty’s foes are located here.
The danger is coming – a terrible blight
It’s the Princess of Darkness, the Queen of the Right
Sarah Palin is loose and it’s more than her views
Or her spreading her lies all over Faux News
We thought her stupidity couldn’t be more
The election debacle, the media whore
The PACS and the clothes, the untalented daughter
And Levi, the First Dude and wildlife to slaughter
There’s drilling and shilling her book and her state
Sarah Palin’s Alaska – Oh give me a break!
The endorsements of candidates ready to run
They were all to the right of Attila the Hun
She doesn’t let anything stand in her way
Mamma Grizzly will vanquish that (b)witch Tina Fey
And Katy, and Rachel and Sawyer who dare
To suggest she’s got nothing ‘neath that pile of hair
She’s immune to ridicule, truth or good sense
She’s got her supporters all equally dense
The Tea Party loves her, what else does she need
They will back her whatever her word or her deed
How far she has gone to me is a mystery
How can you explain this reversal of history?
So Revere warned the British, my goodness who knew?
We will rewrite the textbooks, the word will get through!
Paul Revere was a traitor, Tea Baggers will claim
They will join stupid Sarah in trashing his name
And if liberals in Boston should start to protest,
We have ways of dealing – Saracudda knows best
And what of the Minutemen swooping like eagles?
They were from Arizona and hunting illegals
And Samuel Adams, we must make it clear
He did go to Harvard, so don’t drink his beer
Bunker Hill was a victory, The Redcoats were routed
The truth of that statement can never be doubted
And the Boston Tea Party – oh here’s to our cause!
It was all about taxes, and Obama’s laws
Founding Fathers were Christians so put on your blinkers
And ignore all the guys who were really freethinkers
For thinking’s not part of Sarah’s new quest
Rousing rabble and lying is what she does best
And as the Know Nothings do flock to her flag
Abandon all hope, for this ignorant hag
Will be quick to throw us right under the bus
We have met the enemy – you betcha. She’s us.
The Perils of Plastic 